


Eyes on the new boy

by lw531



Category: Love Victor (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Benji POV, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:54:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25585501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lw531/pseuds/lw531
Summary: What was benji thinking during all his interactions w victor?
Relationships: Benjamin "Benji" Campbell/Victor Salazar
Kudos: 32
Collections: Love Victor Love Simon





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking; I wrote this on my phone and then posted 🤔 what did the director and dear give us through what benji didn’t say

The tall, lanky boy at the end of the hall is cute, awkward in that new face, green to the world kind of way. Being friends w Felix means he’s down for good people. And those Cortezes, why not?

Benji knows he can’t be Fawning. He has a boyfriend. In college. A boyfriend who knows things and makes fun of the way the world is cruel and stupid when it comes to people like them.

But maybe Victor is one of them. No reason to not be friends, right? 

So he talks about the shoes. Just to find a way to scan his muscular legs in those skinny jeans and the way those layers don’t hide his definition.

The way he mumbles is the cutest dork ones. Like, a garage sale find he’s not ashamed about, definitely not a rich kid. And that smile, the way his eyes sparkle. Benji hopes for little else except that Victor, victor is definitely one of them. 

At least, he hopes.

New guys and homophobes don’t mix. Seeing Victor get into a situation with Andrew was, well, hard. He couldn’t not stand up and check in on him. Neither Wren nor Jules disagreed. Their look and subtle head nod tells him as much. He offers his hand to Victor, angry eyes soften against Benji until some tool says “New kid, get it!” Then he gets up, darts away like being gay is contagious. Benji stands there, looking on, wondering if he read him wrong. But then being put on the spot like that, that’s not easy.

At the carnival, it almost looks like Victor wants to approach him. His energy is electric in proximity, his eyes eager, hopefully and shy all at once. He wants to draw them. Well he wants to draw Victor. Especially those hands he hides. Did this kid play the piano? He’s got the fingers, long, slender, unscarred. 

He smiles and gives the head nod, okay, he’s not averse to gay people. They can be friends,

Right?

But then, he walks into brasstown at a loss for words. He needs to be reminded who benji is. Awkward. Awkward fumbling mess who reluctantly agrees to interview. Benji knows they need the hands, and so as awkward shy victor comes through, he shows him the ropes. It’s not hard to learn, and he smiles like hey, I’m great to work for, and he works w the steamer well until their eyes meet, and benji can’t help but smile at that beautiful bashful face and all of a sudden the milk splashes and he runs out like—oh...OH...such a cutie 

He could have called him from the land line. He could have done itbefore he finished putting up the chairs. He could have done a lot of things but, why not? And he answered, and he was up, and he said okay. 

Wait, benji thought. I did the rambling this time. I did the, you know, mumbling awkward. Victor had the one liners and one words...uh oh 

But then his musical tastes are gay. And making up a dance to call me maybe. But then the Ferris wheel girl calls. 

He doesn’t seem to excited. He does get more excited when they dance to the gayest songs. They dance and they clean and he gets an idea for the battle of the bands.

A great idea bc the band wins and in winning he gets to sing the song they danced and it’s just benji singing to victor and victor taking it in and, just as he’s about to talk to him, Derek sweeps him into a kiss. A kiss he doesn’t really want but then they’re laughing and he doesn’t get to talk to victor. 

Still, they develop a rhythm at work. Words never emerge between them unless they’re talking about other people. And Victors the romantic Benji likes. Victor always smiles on seeing him and, after a night of not having sex w a girl, he makes art 


	2. So much to lose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Willacoochie angst from Benji POV.

Victor walks in at the perfect time. He doesn’t want another road trip w Sarah. She’s insufferable with her shopping. He really did try to fix the machine. And they will totally be back for whatever thing with Mia. He doesn’t want to deal w his boss. Especially when she gets like this. Okay, she owns a cafe and the espresso machine is busted...this happens a lot. She can figure it out; it’ll be oaky.

He loves road trips. Victor is so easy to talk to. Why is Victor looking at him like that? No Derek, I don’t want to talk. Your friends concert was more important than our anniversary. The anniversary dinner victor suggested. Because Victors romantic. Because Victor would do anything Benji asked. Even if he had something else going on...

‘Did I just take advantage of that?’ Benji thinks to himself. ‘I’ve gotta stop.’

‘He’s so cute when he’s nervous,’ Benji thinks. ‘He’s so much fun trying on these clothes. I don’t laugh like this w Derek.’ Benji tries to get Sarah to calm down. ‘Was it a good idea to not go w her? She’s so stressed right now? Aww, Victor worked so hard to find something for Mia, I’m being inappropriate, we should go home...’ 

Victor says the machines not fixed. Has this shy but happy face about staying. So they stay. They have spent the whole day together and it was so much fun and they’re spending the night together and victor finds my license and asks a question. I’m alone w this cute sweet romantic boy and he’s so nice to me. He’s not judging me, he’s just curious. And then, Benji thinks, he’s concerned  😟 and warm and affirming and he gets that being gay could be a struggle and that I MISS being close to my dad and he’s so beautiful right now. So benji says he should sleep. He should definitely sleep bc if not he’ll kiss him and Victor hasn’t said he’s gay. Or even bi.

Victor agrees, whew! 

Benji looks at Victor’s hand and asks and then Victor is kissing him. Benji grabs his arms for balance, for closeness, they part for a breath—this is a great kiss—and Victors at it again and shit, not like this! What does this mean.

Benji says, no, not because he doesn’t want it but because Victor has a girlfriend and he’s a Virgin and Benji has a boyfriend and he wants more talking, more clarification—Benji can say none of this. Victor says sorry and stays outside until both grief, confusion and disappointment put him to sleep.

Benji has a boyfriend so he shouldn’t ask what that kiss means. He doesn’t want his feelings to be a mistake. He doesn’t want Victor’s...Victor to see him as a mistake.  😔

They’re spending the night —and everything they’ve been to each other can be threatened by all the unsaid  💔

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the idea of Benji not knowing what to do and struggling w a deep sense of loss in episode 7— a confused love interest and the loss of a close friend that bc of internalized homophobia, neither can address. 😢


	3. Too much, not enough, but a start...a start

And it is. Benji cant say anything. Doesn’t know what to say. That’s what makes being out hard. Like was he a pawn? Was victor just lonely? And what did I’m sorry mean? 

In the morning, they stay in silence. Neither of them have slept—well he hasn’t slept. He can’t ask victor. Victor who tries to talk in the car. He puts on the music because he can’t. He can’t talk about what that kiss means w a guy who had a girlfriend. Who kisses him without words or warning or—it hurts. It hurts in all the ways he never hurt w Victor.In all the way he didn’t wantit to hurt w the cute new boy with eyes like night and skin as warm as and lips as sweet and eager and—no 

So he tells Sarah that he needs to switch locations. He doesn’t tell her why.

He doesn’t want to.

He doesn’t want to tell Derek. It’s not like that kiss meant anything—anything to victor anyway. So, there you have it, and then victor walks in. 

So he tells him. Tells him as much as he can without getting hurt. Tells him as much as he needs to because he won’t lie. Not again. It’s not perfect w Derek but it’s something. It’s real. It’s...it’s honest enough. 

So he leaves. He spends the week working at a new place. He spends the week avoiding victors gaze. He spends a week enjoying Derek, his band, his life before victor.

And then he gets the apology. The apology that says not enough. The apology that breaks his heart. The apology he leaves at school bc he doesn’t want to see it or touch it anywhere else. The apology that says I’m sorry for kissing you in a way that benji wishes, benji wishes he didn’t. He wishes Victor wasn’t sorry. He wishes so many things, he wished for so much w victor. But never that.Never that.

And then it’s another week of wishing and avoiding. A week that ends w a dance where Victor looks at him, with those sad  😞 puppy dog eyes that still soften him no matter how he’s hurt. So he follows him to the boys bathroom. He follows him and says enough. He forgives him bc confusing is hard. He walks away and says he doesn’t want to mess up his relationship. He wants someone to love him. And he doesn’t want to want it to be Victor. Being out has cost him enough.

Then Pilar asks him and Derek asks him and he can’t lie and he’s chasing Derek. Chasing like he always does hoping, hoping he’ll catch him this time. 

He doesn’t.

Victor does. Victor stops him and tells him and says everything benji used to want Derek to say and everything he wished victor could say and then he’s walking away. Victor thinks Benji’s the best and he thinks that Benji thinks being w Derek is the best and in that moment. In that moment, dereks not. In that moment, everything that hurts about that willacoochie kiss becomes unbroken and who cares what Derek says because Victor said, victor said enough. And he wants. He wants. He wants the way Victor makes him feel. 

So he tells him, he tells him and Victor says me too and, that’s not enough. It’s not enough but it’s a start. It’s a heart healing wonderful start. 

**Author's Note:**

> A look, tone of voice can do so much. What do u think?


End file.
